Dear Special Interest,

Congratulations on the purchase of your genuine Government Official (tm). With regular maintenance your Government Official (tm) should provide you with a lifetime of sweetheart deals, insider information, preferential legislation and other fine services.

Before you begin using your product, we would appreciate it if you would take the time to fill out this customer service card. This information will not be sold to any other party, and will be used solely to aid us in better fulfilling your future needs in political influence.

1. Which of our fine products did you buy?

__ President

__ Vice-President

__ Senator

__ Congressman

__ Governor

__ Cabinet Secretary - Commerce

__ Cabinet Secretary - Other

__ Other Elected Official (please specify)

__ Other Appointed Official (please specify)

 

2. How did you hear about your Government Official (tm)?

(Please check all that apply)

__ TV ad

__ Magazine/newspaper ad

__ Shared jail cell with

__ Former partner of

__ Unindicted co-conspirator with

__ Procured for

__ Related to

__ Recommended by lobbyist

__ Recommended by organized crime figure

__ Frequently mentioned in conspiracy theories (on Internet)

__ Frequently mentioned in conspiracy theories (elsewhere)

__ Spoke at fund-raiser at my temple

__ Solicited bribe from me

__ Attempted to seduce me

 

3. How do you expect to use your Government Official (tm)?

(Please check all that apply)

__ Obtain lucrative government contracts

__ Have my prejudices turned into law

__ Obtain diplomatic concessions

__ Obtain trade concessions

__ Have embargo lifted from own nation/ally

__ Have embargo imposed on enemy/rival nation/religious infidels

__ Obtain patronage job for self/spouse/mistress

__ Forestall military action against self/allies

__ Instigate military action against internal enemies/aggressors/targets for future conquest

__ Impede criminal/civil investigation of self/associates/spouse

__ Obtain pardon for self/associates/spouse

__ Inflict punitive legislation on class enemies/rivals/hated ethnic groups

__ Inflict punitive regulation on business competitors/environmental exploiters/capitalist pigs

 

4. What factors influenced your purchase?

(Please check all that apply)

__ Performance of currently owned model

__ Reputation

__ Price

__ Appearance

__ Party affiliation

__ Professed beliefs of Government Official (tm)

__ Actual beliefs of Government Official (tm)

__ Orders from boss/superior officer/foreign government

__ Blackmail

__ Celebrity endorsement

 

5. Is this product intended as a replacement for a currently owned Government Official (tm)? ______

If you answered "yes," please indicate your reason(s) for changing models.

__ Excessive operating/maintenance costs.

__ Needs have grown beyond capacity of current model.

__ Defect in current model:

__ Dead

__ Senile

__ Indicted

__ Convicted

__ Impeached

__ Resigned in disgrace

__ Switched parties/beliefs

__ Outbribed by competing interest

Thank you for taking your valuable time. Always remember in choosing a Government Official (tm) you have chosen the best politician money can buy.